Lamplighter Books of Colorado

Lawyers, Laws,

Justice and Judges

Roger Himes, J.D., Lawyer

A book of humor, jokes, and legal stories

garnished from years in law practice A Brief Opening Statement: (Don't all lawyers make opening statements?)

The law can be a laughing matter.

A U. S. Supreme Court justice recently said:

"We now have over 10,000,000 laws --

to enforce the 10 commandments."

That is a whole bunch of interpretation.

And who wrote our Constitution and writes our laws?

Lawyers!

While our U. S. Constitution is not a laughing matter, the lawyers involved in it, and the laws that evolved from it, and the judges that interpret them can be laughing matters.

Sometimes you just have to laugh

to keep from crying!

I've discovered that most people like humor and jokes about law, justice, lawyers and judges. Being a lawyer, I’ve collected some good ones.

I used to sing in nightclubs, and also do humor,

so this is just an extension of that.

Later I’ll mention that two newspapers called me:

The Singing Attorney, and

The Court Jester.

Roger Himes, Esq.

For book reviews or relevant correspondence:

RogerHimesEsq@gmail.com

On the last pages, I’ll include a short autobiography

All images are taken from Images of Bing

free to use and share

Now, Let’s Get Down

to the Serious Business of Humor

Despite what is thought, ‘J.D.’ after my name means Juris Doctor, and not juvenile delinquent.

It is true that most of us lawyers are educated beyond our intellects, does not necessarily mean we’re all smart.

At least not as smart as the famed Perry Mason, on the next page, who starred as a lawyer in the late 1950’s and 1960’s television series.

In fact, some of us might behave somewhat like we are juvenile delinquents in some way or other,… in the way that we try to get our way in everything, whether we are right or wrong.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve always loved lawyer jokes. For example:

What’s wrong with lawyer jokes? — Answer: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, while other people think the jokes are serious, and not jokes.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? — Answer: when his mouth is moving.

What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? — Answer: not enough sand.

If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one? — Answer: changing lawyers is like moving to a new deck chair on the Titanic.

What do you call a retired lawyer? — Answer: Your Honor.

What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? — Answer: Senator or Congressman.

An Irreverent Look at Lawyers,

Laws, Justice and Judges

You know who lawyers are: they are people who will spend your last cent

to prove that they’re right, and then they’re wrong half the time.

And of course they keep your

money even if they lose.

Lawyers Are ‘Legal Eagles’…

Or Was that ‘Beagles’?

In Hamlet, Shakespeare says, “The first order of business is to kill all the lawyers.”

God forbid!

Pogo, our cartoon philosopher friend gave a better alternative:

“Let’s just shorten their legal pads.”

This sounds a lot better to me, doesn’t it to you?

My purpose in this writing is to give you greater fondness for lawyers . . .

or maybe I just say tolerance?

Remember that lawyers are people too. Well, at least most of them, …

and at least most of the time.

We lawyers are called ‘legal eagles.’ I like to relate this in the following way:

A Statement of a Lawyer’s Pledge: We lawyers are the legal eagles of society.

We are the custodians of liberty.

We are the protectors of the people.

We are the stalwarts of justice.

We are the upholders of the Constitution.

And if you really believe this,

I also have some oceanfront property

right here in Colorado I want to sell you.

I feed myself on this type of stuff because it’s hard for most of us lawyers to stay motivated.

This is because we’re always suing someone.

We are known as the most enthusiastically negative people in the world. But it’s not without cause.

In defense of lawyers (most of whom need a lot of defense), do you have any idea how difficult it is to stay motivated or ‘up’ when you have to face one negative person or situation after another all day?

Law offices are negative places because they consist of lawyers.

Lawyers are often negative because they have to deal with one negative situation after another all day long.

Lawyers’ secretaries… are often down in the dumps because of their bosses.

How would you feel if you were a legal secretary and you were ready to leave work for the day.

You pop your head into your bosses’ office saying, “Hey, boss, have a nice day!”

He snarls back: “Don’t tell me what to do!”

This is how it is in some offices.

-

-

Lawyers Are Always Fighting Someone Lawyers seem to have to fight with everyone — even judges, some of whom think they’re God, and often act like God in their courtroom.

They always fight with other lawyers too.

Then they have to fight with their clients to collect their fees — especially if they lose! What a life.

This is why lawyers often collect fees up front.

It is said:

Practicing law is a lot like

practicing prostitution.

In both cases, the value

of services rendered

greatly declines

once those services

have been performed.

After tough days at the office, then lawyers spend their nights worried about the next day’s battles.

And you thought being a lawyer was just a lot of fun and games, right?

Plus, so many people accuse us lawyers of sending mixed messages.

It’s just that the law is so complicated today. It isn’t easy like when I started out. I just stayed away from certain things like water law, tax, and oil and gas.

Then, most things weren’t difficult or complicated. But today everything has changed.

Plus, we lawyers are trained to help make things more complicated. After all, you can charge more money the more complicated things are.

This reminds me of the client who was listening to his lawyer say: "I don’t believe I’ve succeeded in answering all of your questions. Indeed, I feel as though I have not answered any of them totally.

“The answers I’ve found only serve to raise a new set of questions, which only lead to more problems. And some of these we weren’t even aware were problems when you came in.

“To sum up, in some ways

I feel as though we are as

confused as ever. But I feel

we are confused on a higher

level, and about more impor-

tant things.”

Perhaps this is where some

lawyer jokes are born, like

the rhetorical question about

the lawyer and the skunk

dead skunk in the road.

“How do you tell the difference between a dead

lawyer and a dead skunk in the road?”

The answer is there are skid marks in front of the skunk.

A client of mine called and he was laughing like mad.

He said, “What do you call 500 lawyers with leg-weights on at the bottom of the ocean?” I told him I didn’t know. He replied, “A start.”

And to think I even won his case for him too. --

Lawyers or White Rats?

I heard they were starting to use lawyers, instead of white rats, for certain biological experiments.

They claim there are three

reasons for this.

FIRST, there are more of us.

SECOND, it is said folks aren’t as attached to us.

THIRD, the article claimed there are even some things white rats won’t do.

Newspapers don’t say nice things about us lawyers. They always seem to run negative articles:

DIVORCE LAWYERS Protectors LAWYERS

A Glimpse Under of the People

the Rock or Parasites?

With articles like this, how do they expect us lawyers to stay ahead of the game?

(What we call a game, some people call a racket).

They even talk about lawyers

in songs. I recall a popular

song by Jackson Brown.

It was a song from the 70s:

“The Mating Cry

of Lawyers in Love.”

The first time that I heard it I couldn’t believe what I was listening to.

I even called the station to make sure what I was hearing was correct.

It was!!!

Then, at least country music talks about everything with songs like:

The Shades of Night Were Falling Fast

(but I Got A Pretty Good Look Anyhow)

I Called You Up to Tell You

I Don’t Know What to Say

Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth

I’m Kissing You Goodbye

-

Yes, I Did Become a Lawyer

Yes, I am a lawyer, but I hope you won’t hold this against me. I’m just a product of legal brainwashing and conditioning.

I wanted to go to psychology. After my undergrad work in college in both business and psychology, I wanted to go to psychology graduate school.

But I was in Texas, and the only two schools I was accepted at were in places that were really cold.

I’d heard about all the money psychologists make on Monday mornings —

from folks who watched

football games on the

weekend.

It was claimed that

every time the teams

went into a huddle, thousands of people thought they were

talking about them.

Then I also heard that psychologists have plenty to do just trying to cure each others’ neurosis and phobias and sociopathic conditions.

So I wound up going to law school instead. -

-

Psychologists vs. Psychiatrists I used to wonder what the difference was between a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Then I found out…

a psychiatrist drives you crazy,

the psychologist tests you to find out how far.

Also, because I’m a spiritual person, and ‘The Gospel Coach,’ I also thought I wanted to be a pastor. I even tried it for a spell, and was the pastor of a Vineyard Christian Fellowship for a couple of years, even while I was working as a lawyer full time. It wasn’t my calling!

Someone has observed that lawyers and the clergy are very much the same. To wit . . .

“It is uncertain whether the doctors of LAW,

or the doctors of DIVINITY,

have made the greatest strides

in the lucrative business of MYSTERY.”

Lawyers have long been accused of being the only people in the world who can turn black and white into grey.

But I’ll have you know that painters can do the exact same thing.

I overheard someone saying he didn’t mind lawyers all that much. But he added he just didn’t want any moving into his neighborhood. He didn’t want his kids going to school with a lawyer’s kids.

I discovered I didn’t have many lawyer friends. In fact, at one time I only had two lawyer friends.

One was a criminal lawyer and he was in jail.

The other was an -

ambulance chaser.

He was in the hospital,

having been backed

over by an ambulance.

I Took Some Vocational Guidance Tests One day something happened to make me realize why I didn’t really enjoy being a lawyer much, after the law got real complicated, and why I didn’t fit the mold of lawyers.

I represented a man who was in a vocational guid-ance firm, and he offered to give me a set of tests for free.

The word ‘free’ always gets a lawyer’s attention.

Anyway, he gave me the tests and came back later exclaiming, “Himes, how in the world did you ever become a lawyer? You don’t have any personality characteristics of a lawyer.”

He said this means having what psychology calls a dominant hostile personality. The picture he painted of this was one of a person… having his eyes closed,

his legs crossed,

his arms swinging,

and his mouth open.

It’s not a very pretty picture, I realize. -

--

Reason vs. Logic

Some people become confused with the difference between legal reasoning and logic.

The fact is we lawyers are not trained in logic.

Think about it! Have you ever met a logical lawyer?

It’s often an insult to lawyers to consider them logical. We lawyers are instead trained in legal reasoning, which has no similarity to logic.

I think it’s a way of thinking invented by law schools.

For instance, lawyers often think: “Maybe I can get $5,000 if I sue for $5,000,000.”

That’s good legal reasoning.

Also, we are taught that for every 50 words there should be at least one loophole.

And of course two escape clauses (all of which we charge higher fees for of course).

Here’s an example of legal reasoning . . . A defense lawyer was defending his client charged with murder. It was a very serious case, and the prosecutor had just finished making his opening statement to the jury, accusing the defendant of murdering his wife, and cutting up her body to dispose of it.

The defense lawyer, after listening to the opening statement of the prosecutor said:

“Ladies and Gentlemen: you just heard

the prosecutor’s opening statement.

He has painted a picture of my client that is terrible.

“He has accused him of murdering his wife,

and cutting her body up into pieces

and putting them into suitcases.

“He claims my client was in the process

of transporting her remains over the border

into Mexico, to dispose of them, but he was

apprehended by an alert border guard.

“The guard happened to see one of

the deceased’s fingers

sticking out of one of the suitcases.

“The prosecutor claims that my client

is a deranged man and is unfit to live.

He claims that he is on the level

of a Charles Manson,

and he wants my client executed.

“I don’t happen to see him this way.

But I will admit he may be a sloppy packer.”

This is an example of reasoning — lawyer style.

But it’s a far cry from logic, wouldn’t you agree?

Law school has a way of bending the mind, and enlarging thoughts and capitalizing on events like nothing else I’ve ever seen.

It has a way of ‘creating options’ — even in cases where there are no options.

-

Giving An Enema to a Dead Man I’ve heard it said that legal reasoning is like ‘giving an enema to a dead man.’ I’m sure you wonder what this means.

Well, there was this stage play in New York City and one of the leading men dropped over dead on the stage right in the middle of the play.

It was pretty traumatic, and people were very upset. From the balcony, a lady started shouting: “Give him an enema!”

“Give him an enema!”

People on stage were trying to help the man, and tried to ignore her, but she kept shouting: “Give him an enema!”

Exasperated, a man called back: “Lady, an enema won’t do any good. The man is already dead.”

The lady shouted back, “Well, it sure won’t hurt!”

This is the legal reasoning we’re taught: stretch the imagination — create options — expand thinking. “If it won’t hurt, try it!”

The bottom-line is this: “Be willing to spend your client’s last cent to prove you’re right.”

Of course, knowing you may be proven wrong!

Lawyers, the IRS, Economics We lawyers are not taught economics or accounting, (or even math, for that matter).

When it comes to economics, we are UN-educated.

We are only taught one economic theory:

the redistribution of wealth

by means of litigation.

But we are taught to be the orators of society.

And some lawyers are really good at this. I mean really good. I was good too, and I prided myself at winning most of my cases.

But some lawyers just put me to shame.

I admired the way some lawyers operated in the courtroom, twisting and bending things beyond all possible recognition.Some lawyers are really good. Some lawyers are so good at what they can pull off in the courtroom.

They can work magic in the courtroom. They can make it appear that:

-

Any relationship between what

actually happened outside

the courtroom, . . .

and what is testified to inside

the courtroom

is purely coincidental!

Witness the following case: A Minnesota Swede (a farmer) was walking his cow Bessie along the road by a rope.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a truck came speeding around the corner and knocked the farmer and Bessie off the road into a ditch.

Like any red-blooded American with any backbone at all, the farmer sued the trucking company.

The case went to court, and the defense attorney for the trucking company had the plaintiff-farmer on the witness stand. He was cross examining him, and the lawyer said,

“Sir, is it not true that, on the day of the

accident, after you were allegedly, and

inadvertently knocked into the ditch, that

the truck driver got out of his truck, and

came back to where you were. He then

asked, ‘Are you hurt?” — to which you

replied, ‘No, I am not.’

Now please answer the question with a

simple yes or no reply only.”

The farmer replied, ‘Well, it was like this, I was waling Bessie along the road with a rope, when suddenly, swoooosh around the corner this truck came speeding. He knock Bessie and me off…”

The defense lawyer, slow on his feet, jumped up and said, “I object! I asked for a simple yes or no answer, not a dialogue.”

The judge sustained the defense lawyer’s objection, and told the farmer to answer with a yes or no only.

Then he asked the lawyer to restate the question, which he did, but again the farmer began a long answer.

Again the defense lawyer objected, and again the judge sustained the objection.

But when it happened yet again, the third time, the judge relented and just said to let the farmer finish what he wanted to say.

The farmer said,

“Your honor, a simple yes or no answer is just not that easy. I’m trying to tole you the truth, but every time I do, this lawyer he jumps himself up and objects.

“You see, I was walking Bessie along the

road with a rope when all of sudden

swoooosh, around the corner come this truck

speeding.

“He knock Bessie and me off the road into

a ditch. The truck driver he get out and

come back and look down at Bessie and

see that she is a goner for sure. “So, he pull

out his gun and he shoot Bessie!

Then he come back to me, his gun still

smoking and say to me, “Are YOU hurt?” -

This is a good example of the nature of some things as they occur — first outside, and then inside the courtroom.

You’re never quite sure how much you hear in the courtroom is fact, and how much is fantasy or fiction.

I once had a judge take myself, and opposing counsel back into his chambers for a recess.

He said, “The very biggest

problem I’m having in this

case is deciding which of your

clients is lying the most.”

Here is a pet saying I like:

This is why our so-called “No poet, and no artist

justice system is called a ever interpreted legal system of red tape. NATURE Often, any relationship as freely as lawyers do

TRUTH!”

between reality, testimony

and legal reasoning have

absolutely nothing in common.

-Lawyers Love Problems – They Cost $$$ Lawyers love problems! they translate into money!

We know the bigger the problem the more it’s worth, and the more money we can charge. So we tend to make everything as big and as complicated as we possibly can.

Preparing “A Last Will and Testament”

We lawyers are a complicated bunch.

A lawyer wrote a Last Will and Testament that I was hired to have probated at a formal hearing due to the fact that there was a formal contest to the will.

The will had been drafted by a lawyer some 20 years earlier. I had read one clause in the will over and over again, and I had NO idea what it was saying.

When I got to the courtroom, I knew I was going to be quizzed about this particular passage, and sure enough, the judged asked for my interpretation of what this clause was saying.

I fumbled around a little and finally told him I’d read it 20 times and still didn’t understand what it was saying.

He laughed: “Well, I’ve read it more times than that and I still don’t know what it is saying either.”

Many lawyers, like myself, try to write in a way that can be comprehended, but many don’t.

Many think there must be at least 100 words before the first period.

They don’t know what the word ‘brief’ means, which is meant to describe a legal document.

Most lawyers write a 10,000 word document and call it a ‘brief.’

At 300 words to the page, that’s over 33 pages. That ain’t brief!

(By the way, ‘ain’t’ is now in a lot of dictionaries). -

--

A Lawyer Master of Ceremonies Also, things that lawyers say aren’t always accurate either. They often invent so many stories that they don’t know what is truth and what is fiction. They never know what will sway a jury to their side. A case in point was the lawyer who was master of ceremonies at a banquet. He was introducing the speaker and said:

“Our speaker made a million dollars

in the oil business right here in Colorado.”

The speaker got up and his first words were: “Thanks for that fine introduction, but it wasn’t entirely accurate.

— It wasn’t the oil business, but the coal business.

— It wasn’t here in Colorado, but in Wyoming.

— It wasn’t a million dollars but $250,000.

— It wasn’t me, it was my son.

— And he didn’t make it, he lost it.” -

-

Lawyers and the IRS Code

“The Infernal Revenue Code” A prime example of the complexity of lawyers is The Infernal Revenue Code. Oh excuse me! I meant to say The Internal Revenue Code.

It must have been a Freudian slip.

But experts say the average

person can only comprehend a

maximum of about 40 words in a sentence before the mind just goes on ‘overboard.’ It clicks off, and tunes out.

The average length of a sentence in the Internal Revenue Code is 100 words.

— One sentence contains 379 words.

— And another has 385 words.

— The longest sentence contains 506 words before you reach the first period.

Someone has said,

“The Code should be held unconstitutional

simply because it is so incomprehensible.”

--

Of course, as you might expect, it was lawyers who wrote most of the Code. Lawyers don’t have to be verbose in order to confuse people.

But verbosity sure does help.

I love quoting the following section of the Infernal Revenue Code:

“For the purposes of Paragraph 3, an

organization described in Paragraph 2

shall be deemed to be an organization

described in Section 501(c), 4, 5 or 6,

which would be described in Paragraph 2

if it were an organization described

in 501(c)(3).”

You need more than a legal degree from Harvard to even begin to understand clauses like this in the Code.

This may be the best — or the worst example of legal jargon.

-

--

How to Give Someone An Orange Here’s another example . . .

If you want to give someone something, you would just give it to them right?

For instance, let’s say you want to give someone an orange. Yes, just a simple orange. You would simply hand it to them and say:

“Here, I give you this orange.”

This is not true with lawyers. We are taught to leave absolutely nothing to chance. So we would say something like the following:

“I hereby give, grant, bargain, sell, convey

and quitclaim all my right, title and interest

in and concerning this chattel, otherwise

known as an orange.

“Together with all the appurtenances thereto

of skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds and juice,

for the use of the beneficiary, to himself

and his assigns, and personal representatives,

in fee simple forever.

“Free from all liens encumbrances, limitations,

restraints, easements, covenants, restrictions,

or conditions, of whatsoever kind or character,

and any and all prior conveyances, transfers,

deeds, or other documents now or to the

contrary notwithstanding.

“With full power to bite, cut, suck or otherwise

to use said orange, or otherwise to dispose

of the same, with or without its skin, pulp, pip,

rind, seeds or juice.”

-

Take notes, you lovers of our legal system of jurisprudence. This is law at its finest. -

Law is a unique profession. You must admit that we lawyers are really creative. Like medical doctors and other professionals, we invent our language, knowing the average person can’t understand it.

After all, if you can’t understand what we say,

you need us more, right?

We lawyers call it ingenious. Some call it insanity. But we love to use the language we invent.

We use words like the following:

res ipsa loquitur,

… stare decisis,

… respondeat superior,

… caveat emptor,

… voir doir,

… per stirpes,

… nunc pro tunc.

I like to throw in cape diem just because it sounds legal, even though it isn’t.

-

One of my favorites is nolo contender. It is defined even by Readers Digest Magazine as meaning:

“Judge, I didn’t do it,

and I promise to never do it again.”

-

-

The Esteemed Sir Winston Churchill Churchill was a constant thorn in the flesh to lawyers. Of course in England, we are called barristers, or solicitors.

Sir Winston, in his never ending wit said,

“Lawyers have a way

of saying things

that are vague,

but in reality meaningless.”

I think this can be evidenced from the way some lawyers ask questions of witnesses.

The following questions are documented in actual court transcripts. They are for real.

One such recorded questioning follows.

“Did you or did you not,

the aforementioned day Friday, November 4th,

feloniously and with malicious aforethought,

listen at the keyhole of the 10th floor condominium,

then occupied as a residence

by the defendant in the within action,

— on 86th Street at West End Avenue.

And did you also, on the Wednesday

following the Friday

in November heretofore referred to,

communicate to your wife the information

acquired, and repeat the conversation overheard

on that occasion

— with the result that the gossip of your wife gave far and wide outcry to the overheard conversation?

Did you or did you not? Yes or no?”

The answer of the witness was very short: “Huh?”-

Yes, we lawyers are the orators of our modern society. And of equal oratorical and perhaps even rhetorical nature, again recorded in the annuals of legal history in a court transcription, is the following:

“Sir, did you or did you not, on the date

in question, or at any time previously

or subsequently,

say or even intimate to the defendant,

or to anyone else for that matter,

whether friend or mere acquaintance,

or in fact a stranger,

that the statement imputed to you,

whether just or unjust,

and denied by the Plaintiff,

was a matter of the moment or otherwise?

Did you or did you not?”

-

Again, the reply of the witness was simply, “Huh?”

-

Lawyers are a different breed of human being.

First of all, we are unbelievably detailed. This can be seen by the nature of the court room questions we just looked at, as well as by the example of giving the orange away, as we saw. -

One lawyer I know is so detailed that he proofreads Xerox copies against the original.

But that’s o.k., because he charges his clients for it.

Most clients would rather he destroy the Xerox.

Some lawyers are so dogmatic and stubborn that they won’t accept anything that everyone else in the world accepts — without proof.

And of course, proof is subject to their subjective opinion and interpretation.

Lawyers are like the donkey

with blinders on.

They can only see what is directly in front of them, and they are very task motivated.

And most do not want to be confused by the facts. -

-

The Titanic Philosophy

Perhaps lawyers have what has been called ‘The Titanic Philosophy.’

Surely you remember the Titanic. It was a large ocean liner that was dubbed… ‘The Unsinkable Ship.’ At least she was dubbed this before she sailed.

The Titanic was on its maiden voyage across the Atlantic when it sunk. It hit a huge ice berg while sailing, and went down, killing many hundreds of people.

It was very cold. Ice accumulated and caused hazardous conditions for ships. But the amazing thing is not so much that the so-called ‘unsinkable ship’ sank.

The amazing thing is that the captain and crew ignored literally hours of broadcasted warnings about those ice-accumulations in the sea lanes.

These broadcasted warnings were heard by the crew of the Titanic over and over and over again.

Yet, the Titanic crashed head-long into a huge ice berg, at full throttle. They had the music blaring and the booze flowing — totally oblivious to anything at all else going on around it.

This perfectly describes

most of the lawyers I know!

Some have said that the best lawyers seem to do can be compared to lining up the lounges on the Titanic.

We lawyers are pretty straight when it comes to some things — like my mention of us not being required to take economics in law school. So when it comes to math, we’re pretty simple.

But sometimes we can be taught to think differently. A case in point is by accountants. -

-

Lawyers and Accountants

At times, lawyers can learn to think like accountants.

A lawyer was asked how much 2 + 2 was, and he re-plied 4.

An engineer was asked the same question, and he said he agreed that it was 4, at least in most cases.

An accountant was also asked how much 2 + 2 was.

He replied,

“How much do you want it to be?”

Law school teaches to view such thinking as a winning mindset. And winning is something we lawyers are taught to do at all costs — and at any price

(realizing of course that our clients pay the bill).

Again, lawyers are people who will spend

your last cent to prove that we’re right —

and then they’re wrong half the time.

The word ‘loss’ isn’t even part of a good lawyer’s vocabulary. We must win, at any cost. You see, our egos are at stake.

Even if we do lose, we disguise it, rationalize it, minimize it or justify it in some way.

It might be said that we were trained under football coach Vince Lombardi. He was the one who said, “Winning isn’t everything, it is the only thing.” Of course he didn’t win all his games either. -

--

Lawyers Love ‘Loser Jokes’ For this reason, lawyers love what are called ‘loser jokes.’

This is because most lawyers visualize themselves as winners, not losers (even if they lose, they most often collect their fee).

So lawyers look at others as losers. They visualize others as losers who are afraid, and hide from them and themselves as winners to be feared. Thus lawyers love loser jokes.

If you really want to get on your lawyer’s good side, tell him a loser joke or two, and he’ll love you for it. I’ll help you out by sharing a few of my favorites.

A LOSER is a quarterback

who calls for a free catch

— from center.

A LOSER is an entrepreneur out looking

for seashells by the seashore

so that he can sell them.

He finds one, puts it to his ear,

and gets a busy signal.

A LOSER is a piano player in a marching band.

A LOSER is a guy who when he retires,

instead of getting a traditional gold watch,

gets $5 worth of quarters,

and a phone number to call

to get the right time.

(I guess that’s dated to the era of pay phones).

A LOSER is a client who calls his landlord

to complain about roaches in his apartment —

and gets his rent raised for keeping pets.

A LOSER is the newcomer who comes to town

and gets run over by the welcome wagon.

A LOSER is the client who comes to

a complete stop at a stop sign,

looks both ways,

and gets rear-ended.

A LOSER is the lady who stands on

the edge of ‘Echo Cliff.’ She yells,

“Hello, my name is Milfred Merriweather.”

The echo comes back and says, “Jump.”

A LOSER is the client who goes

to see his doctor

about a kidney transplant,

and gets a donor

with a bed-wetting problem.

-

America Has Lawyers in Abundance In America we have lawyers in abundance. It is said we have more lawyers, per capita, than anyplace else in the world.

We used to have buffalo in abundance, but we killed most of them off.

Now we have lawyers running in abundance, and people would like to kill them off too.

A medical doctor was giving a medical school commencement address, and he said he wanted to conclude with the following thought:

“Be sure to get all the malpractice insurance

that you possibly can.

For each of you graduating there are

three lawyers graduating who are dying to sue you.”

Did you hear the story of the Cuban, Russia and American traveling with his lawyer, who were riding together in a coach on a train in Europe?

The Cuban lit up a very expensive Cuban cigar, took a puff or two, and threw it out the window.

The American was shocked, asking why he did that.

The Cuban said there was an over-abundance of cigars in Cuba so they wasted them.

Then the Russian opened an expensive bottle of Russian vodka, took one drink and threw it out the window.

The American again shocked, asked why he did that.

The Russian said it was because they had an over-abundance of vodka in Russia, and didn’t mind wasting it.

The American grabbed his lawyer and threw him out the window.

Humorist Mark Russell

Mark Russell’s books are great. He’s a political humorist who lives in Washington D.C., which he says stands for ‘Darkness and Confusion.’

He says there are more answering services, and fewer answers in Washington than anyplace else in the world.

In one of his books he has a chapter called,

“I Brake For Lawyers.”

Here are a few lines:

“It’s not that I don’t like lawyers, it’s just

that there are so many of them.

“We who dwell in the nation’s capital have

learned to live side-by-side with those of

the legal profession. We do so out of

necessity. For Washington without lawyers

would be like Rome without priests.

“If they removed all the lawyers from

Washington, then the city would become like a silent movie set.-

“There are tax attorneys,

constitutional lawyers,

patent attorneys,

trial lawyers,

criminal lawyers

and lawyer criminals.

“The whole town is infested with legal clerks, legal secretaries, legislative aides, legislative assistants, and assistant legislative aides, — all of which are lawyers!

“The owner of the football team is a lawyer!

“They make up the multi-divisional army in pinstripes: ‘the Brooks Brothers Brigade,’ and if all those pinstripes were extended horizontally, they would encircle the globe many times.

“The poor animals who unwillingly gave their hides to be turned into legal attaché cases carried in Washington is something I’d rather not think about.

“The massive legal presence in Washington

is unavoidable in the place where our laws

are made, interpreted, enforced, and often

broken — all by the same people.

“Whenever a bar association convenes,

the assemblage always observers a moment

of silence for their dear-departed brothers —

now serving in minimum security prisons.

It is usually a prayer for those who are doing

three years at hard tennis.”

-

-

In Defense of Lawyers

Now I want to say a word in defense of lawyers. And a lot of them need a lot of defense, as I’ve said.

Lawyers, despite all the adverse publicity, are very important folks. I know because I overheard two peo-ple outside a court room talking about their lawyers. One was saying,

“You know, lawyers are important people.

They help us get out of trouble:

the same trouble we wouldn’t be in in the

first place if it weren’t for lawyers!”

Lawyers are important, and are very well-trained.

But one thing I discovered about law school is that it didn’t teach me how to communicate, but only how to dogmatically argue my pre-determined position.

We are much like robots.

Some lawyers don’t like being lawyers, or else they get burned out of being lawyers like I did.

After 25 years as a street lawyer, and in a courtroom most days, I simply had to do something else.

But a legal mindset doesn’t always translate into other businesses and vocations very well. It’s often a stretch to make law merge with other vocations. -

-

A Lawyer as a Life Insurance Salesman One lawyer I know went to work as a life insurance salesman. His boss had been trying to sell some insurance to one particular president of a company for a long time, but wasn’t successful.

When the lawyer came to work, the sales manager sent his new lawyer-employee out to deal with this company president.

And the lawyer was successful!

He sold him on the first call!

The lawyer came back to the office all excited.

The boss was excited too, but he got a blank stare when he asked the lawyer where the urine sample was that he told him to get.

The lawyer had completely forgotten to get the urine sample.

The lawyer had to go back to get it. But shortly,

he came back with a bucket full of urine!

His boss was very confused, and looking at the lawyer with a dumb expression on his face, he asked what that was.

The lawyer said, “Boss, you won’t believe it! I went back and they were having a board meeting, and I sold them a group policy.”

-

-

-

I’m a ‘Recovering Lawyer’ I call myself ‘a recovering lawyer.’

My office used to get so piled up with stuff I couldn’t even find the file I needed to work on.

I got tired of being referred to as a man who earned his living by the sweat of his brow-BEATING.

But I truly respect lawyers who stay at their job until they’re so old they look like dried up prunes. It’s said, “Old lawyers never die. They just lose their appeal.”

I got burned out and couldn’t stay in until the bitter end. I had to let the law go.

Law is very stressful — ranked third only behind operating room surgeons and policemen on the front lines.

And no wonder it’s so stressful, with all the deadlines… the changing laws… changing court procedures… cranky clients… combative judges … and unpredictable witnesses. And… and… and. This drives a lot of lawyers to drink.

-

--

One Lawyer Was Driving Drunk There is a story about a lawyer driving home drunk after a long day at the office and in court. He went off the road and went down an embankment.

His car flipped over twice.

At this moment, as luck would have it, a policeman drove by. He stopped and yelled down: “Sir, have you been drinking?”

The lawyer said, slurring his words:

“I should certainly hope so.

What do you think I am, a stunt driver?”

Lawyers don’t tend to like these stories because they usually don’t have a very big sense of humor.

That is unless you’re telling them loser jokes. -

-

Do You Hug Your Lawyer? Have you hugged your lawyer today? Don’t forget we lawyers are people too. Well, at least most of the time.

And I know that most lawyers aren’t really the huggable type. Recall they have what psychology calls ‘dominant hostile personalities.’

But it’s true that lawyers need hugs too.

But you especially don’t feel like hugging them when you get their bill, do you?

You wonder how a lawyer can spend so much time on your case, when they have so many other cases too.

They must have clones, right? They must work 24 hours a day, right?

-

-

A Lawyer With Saint Peter in Heaven Saint Peter wondered the same thing. A lawyer died and went to heaven (which I’m told is quite a feat in itself).

He met Saint Pete at the Pearly Gates, and the lawyer was complaining: “Why am I here? I’m only 42 years old!”

Saint Peter looked into the Book of Life and said, “There must be some mistake — I was reviewing your fee time slips and I thought you were 82.”-

With all the flack lawyers put up with, we really do need some strokes, kind words, and outright hugs.

A lawyer friend of mine said he really took a double pot-shot in court recently. He said he’d spent all morning in jury selection, and one of the jurors had been nasty to him.

The juror told the judge, “I can’t serve on this jury be-cause even the lawyer looks guilty to me.”

He then said that wasn’t the worst thing.

The worst was when the judge responded: “Well, he probably is, but that has nothing to do with this case.”

Psychologist - Politician

Many lawyers seem to be a combination of both psychologist and politician.

You have to be able to read people and understand their needs (as a psychologist does), and then sell them on what you want to sell them (like a politician).

It has been said that there is no greater salesman than a lawyer -- with some of the stories they sell to juries.

I Saw A Psychologist Once

(I call them 'shrinks')

I got depressed after I’d been in law 15 years, and went to see this shrink.

He asked me about my family. I told him my younger brother Tim and I used to hate each other, and lined up cereal boxes on the table between us at break-fast so we wouldn’t have to look at each other.

(Tim and I were quite close after we grew up, although sadly, he died of a heart attack in 2002).

Then he asked me, when I was a kid, what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I said I wanted to be a cowboy and ride the range.

Then I wanted to be a fireman and ride in a big fire truck.

Then I wanted to be a policeman and carry an gun and have authority.

Then I told him I wanted to be a crook.

He said, “Congratulations.”

-

Boy, did I get even with him! I saw him at a social event a few days later and he was complaining that everyone was asking him for his opinion and advice on personal problems.

He asked if he could send them a bill for consultation services. I simply said yes.

The next day I sent him a bill for $50 consultation fee.

What I’ve learned about psychologists and shrinks is that most of the time they can give you their undivided attention— without hearing a word you’re saying. Maybe that’s what it means to be a ‘shrink.’ If I were in that profession I’d rather be a ‘stretch.’

I hadn’t told the shrink I’d also wanted to go into politics. But I’d heard politicians didn’t have any better reputations than lawyers.

Perhaps that’s because most politicians are lawyers. -

-

-

A World of Lawyer Politicians In politics, everything is more complicated than it is in law. I believe this is because politicians are such a cerebral group.

A humorist has said they have so much common sense — because they never use any of it.

Most politicians can’t even figure out how America got founded in the first place — without federal matching funds.

And most of them don’t know economics any better than we lawyers do.

Lawyers believe in the redistribution of wealth

by means of litigation.

Politicians believe in the redistribution of wealth

by means of legislation.

I saw a poll the other day that was talking about the American public’s view and opinion of all the legislation we have today (like the judge who said we now have over 10,000,000 laws to enforce the 10 commandments).

Public opinion was not real high, and the article about the poll described the public’s opinion with the following cartoon, which I found really funny.

I love Sir Winston Churchill. Sir Winston didn’t like politicians any more than he did lawyers. He was once asked to define what a politician was. He said,

“A politician is a person

who must be able to explain,

with unerring accuracy,

the future course of world events.

And then he must be able to

explain to the general public

why they did not come to pass.” With all the preaching and theories and fantasies about the end times today, I think it might also apply to this. What do you think? We've had at least 10 MAJOR end times theories the past 10-20 years, and many more MINOR ones.

-

-

-

Politicians and Economics

I believe a politician’s understanding of economics is worse than that of lawyers.

Two congressmen were talking one day, and one was saying, “How much did we just appropriate on that last bill — was it three MILLION dollars, or three BILLION dollars?”

The other very nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Whatever.”

-

+++++

In case you struggle understanding $1 million vs. $1 billion, here it is (and this is not a joke. I'm serious!)

If I give you $1 per second, every second of the day, night and day, never stopping to eat or sleep, it will take me 11 DAYS to give you 1 MILLION dollars.

But if I gave you $1 at the same rate — one per second, night and day, never stopping to eat or sleep — it would take me 34 YEARS to give you 1 BILLION dollars.

I think that’s significant. I think you do too. +++++

-

One reason I never went into politics is because I don’t know which is worse:

pre-election oratory,

or post-election analysis.

I heard a great way to cut down on the former is to make a potential candidate only talk about their accomplishments, not about their promises.

Have you ever wondered, like I do, where all the

solutions go once the politician gets elected?

The folk group Peter Paul & Mary said they should be forced to SING to the American people because in song we get into deeper levels.

They sing:

“Music speaks louder than words.

It’s the only thing the whole world listens to.

When you sing, people understand.”

-

Bob Hope (God rest his soul) said he wouldn’t run for President, even if urged to. But his reason for not becoming involved was different from mine: his wife wasn’t willing to move to a smaller house.

Serving as President, or even Vice President, is available to each of us who is a natural American. I guess there is still some question about where Barack Obama was born.

But for most of us it’s just one of the risks we have to take living in this nation.

I hear that many of our politicians have nightmares at night. They sooner or later start dreaming that all the money they are spending is theirs.

Plus, if you fall from grace in politics, you just might get appointed as an ambassador — to the Bermuda Triangle.

-

-

-

What Did I Want To Do With My Life? I remember seeing a sign on a lawyer’s wall one day. It said,

-

“I don’t remember what I wanted to do

when I grew up,

but I don’t think this was it.”

I can relate. As a humorist, I feel that law is just one ad-lib after another, although no one is laughing.

A lawyer came back from giving a luncheon speech and his secretary asked him how it had gone. He said, “Terrible! I lost my sheet of ad-libs.”

I can relate to that. Often times it seems like we lawyers are on stage performing for an audience of jurors who refuse to laugh.

-

About My Speaking Career I can really relate to this in a personal way (and this is a true story).

I've always been a fairly good public speaker. I've always mixed motivation with humor. People like it.

Later in doing this, I mixed it with music: guitar and vocal. The speech was entitled: Prime the Pump.

It was a mixture of motivation, humor, and two songs, one at the beginning, and one at the close. It was very well received at breakfasts and dinners. Many times I got standing ovations.

BUT... it seemed luncheon folk had too much on their minds from work for this, and wanted more of an informational talk. That was easy to assess so I just stopped doing luncheons.

Then Scott, a speaker-friend of mine, who was a total humorist, and a very good one, said I should just try my hand at humor-only.

I tried it and bombed like crazy. Folks walked out.

My mouth got so dry speaking I could hardly form my words. I just wasn't only a humorist, in the PURE sense of the word, even though I did a lot of humor in my talks very successfully.

I was just so on-edge because of this experience, it took me 6 months to totally get over it.

So, the moral is:

don't try to do what you ain't called to do

or you just may fall flat on your face.

I wish I could say this was a joke.

-

Speaking of Legal

Secretaries Again

Speaking of legal secretaries

again, most secretaries will tell

you that most lawyers are

terrible bosses.

I was at a luncheon one day and heard two secretaries talking about their lawyer bosses. One said, “My boss is so narrow-minded he can see through a keyhole with both eyes.”

The other remarked, “There is nothing wrong with my boss that trying to reason with him won’t aggravate.”

One devoted secretary sings a song to her boss: “How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?”

It’s true lawyers have the gift

of gab. Their mouth has one

position:

OPEN.

If you think talk is cheap, just hire a lawyer. We’re trained

(1) to admit nothing

(2) to deny everything

(3) to talk by the hour.

-

Blessed is the lawyer

who has nothing to say,

and can’t be persuaded

There is a sign that is to say it. very appropriate:

(Finding a lawyer with

nothing to say is the trick)

Lawyers Can Be Different

Part of the problem of most lawyers is that they don’t know how to forgive.

This is especially true of clients who don’t pay their bills. The word ‘forgiveness’ is not in a lawyer’s vocabulary.

I recall hearing of one lawyer who got even with his client who wouldn’t pay his bill.

He ran an advertisement in the classified section on the internet with his client’s first name and phone number. It read,

-

- A lonely man needs

companionship.

Call between midnight

and 6:00 A.M.”

We Lawyers Are Forced to be Cautious We lawyers must be cautious with everything we say or do. Some people are just waiting to be offended. And many of them think lawyers are offensive.

With malpractice insurance rates so high, and with sue-happy people with itchy trigger fingers, we lawyers are forced to be very totally careful in everything we do or say.

We have to be careful with our kids too. You can always tell lawyers’ kids. They usually just tend to be a little different. Kids pick up everything from their parents, right?

If you really want to know what someone is like, just look at their kids.

Well, there was this tax lawyer who was telling his child the story of Cinderella.

When he finished, the wide-eyed lad asked his dad: “When the pumpkin turns into a beautiful coach, — is that straight income or capital gain?”

We lawyers are over-cautious to a fault, but society has made us this way. Perhaps our society has been carved out by lawyers, I don’t know.

But I remember when my dad and mom would get into a fight, my dad would just go out and get drunk. Today it’s not that simple.

Today, if you have a fight, you’d first better do the following:

(1) check with your lawyer,

(2) see your psychologist,

(3) call your marriage counselor, (4) consult your accountant

. . . . . before you go out and get drunk. We live in an increasingly complex society. -

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Do We Live In A Justice Society? What has happened to our justice system? Bobby Kennedy spoke to this over 50 years ago.

Bobby said we no longer had a justice system, but just a legal system of red tape. How much more is that true today?

I recall reading in Psychology Today Magazine that we are so messed up today that anything helps. It takes about 9 million sleeping tablets to put America to sleep at night. Plus we take 2-1/2 tons of aspirin each day.

And I’ll bet that doesn’t count the two I took.

Sometimes lawyers, who see things more from the inside, get so down and out about our litigious society that they’ll find any excuse to stay home sick. A lawyer I knew stayed home sick: he discovered his colon wasn’t straight.

The problem is that we live in such complex times. As I said, the law was relatively easy until sometime after the mid-80s. Then it just spiraled upward out of control like a rocket taking off.

One report said that

people could learn from

their mistakes more

if they weren’t so busy

repeating them.

A client of mine taught me a lesson early-on. And talk about repeating mistakes. This client come in for his third divorce from his third wife, all in only seven years.

When I tried to talk to him about what might be causing his problems in his marriages, his response was: “Himes, I want a divorce, not a lecture.”

Some people are so enthusiastic about what they’re doing that they throw all caution and common sense to the wind.

I had a wealthy 75-year-old client who was bent on marrying a 27-year-old woman. He was so enthusiastic he was insisting on buying a 5 bedroom house near an elementary school.

I guess he hadn’t heard that

the number one cause of heart

attacks in men over 60 —

was women under 30.

Our lack of a justice system contributes to older lawyers developing inferiority complexes, but unfortunately they are not very good ones.

But we have to look at the positives, right? — look for wheat, and not for weeds.

Just sometimes there are more weeds than wheat.

We must find justice within ourselves if we are going to find justice at all. I realized there was no justice left today one day when I was in court and a judge said,

“Having heard the facts,

the arguments of counsel,

and having reviewed

all the evidence,

I’m now ready to enter a

judgment

based upon my original

prejudices.”

At least law is better than medicine in many ways. Most doctors will do a proctoscopic examination with their finger for about $1,000 or so.

I wouldn’t do one for $100,000 ! ! !

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At least we lawyers are not like a psychologist who look at all the other men around him . . . . .when a beautiful woman enters the room.

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A Date with the Undertaker At least we lawyers are not like undertakers.

Each and every one

us has something in

common —

a last date with one

of these dudes.

Talk about a sure

sale! You can’t even

object!

Let me ask you: Is this justice? Is this fair?

Is America Going Downhill in a Nosedive? This is better than saying ‘to hell in a hand-basket,’ isn’t it?

Things have come a long ways downhill in America today. And it’s not all the fault of lawyers.

Senator Charles Percy was once asked, “How many people work in Washington D.C.?” His reply was, “Oh, I’d imagine about half.” He also said, “There are more answering machines in Washington, and fewer answers, than anywhere else.”

Ziggy, our cartoon friend, went to see his shrink. He said he was fearful the government was out to get him, and that he was being followed. He said he might have a full blown phobia.

The shrink put him at ease saying: “Ziggy, you’re cured!

The American Psychological

Association has just declared

that fear of the government

is no longer irrational.”

Is It Too Late for America to Get ‘Back to the Basics’?

I wrote a book in 1988 called, America: Back to the Basics. It looked at how to get back to the basics of things: how America was formed to be in the beginning.

It was the election year of George Busch Sr. and Michael Dukakis. I got on a lot of T.V. and radio talk shows with my motto:

“Campaigning for America,

Not for Political Office”

The book didn’t sell as well as I hoped it would. Although I got a lot of press, and was on a lot of talk shows, and LOTS of people called in wanting to talk, I only sold about half the books I’d hoped to.

Afterwards, I had an advertising consultant look at what I’d done and give me his opinion. He was a client of mine, and didn’t charge me. Again, lawyers like the word ‘free,’ although they don’t use it much in their own business.

He said, “You’re whole premise is based on John F. Kennedy’s words: ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.’

“Those words died with him, and you’re trying to resurrect them. You’ve got to tell people how to get ahead in life, and make money if you’re going to sell many books today.”

I see this as a sad state of reality. There are a lot of funny things that can be said about Americans and money. One is: “It’s true that money can’t buy you true love. It does, however, put you in a much better bargaining position.”

A favorite of mine is: “Money won’t buy happiness, but it is a good way to keep the kids in touch.”

The Country Used to be Run a Lot Better When colonists came here, Native Indians ran it. — There were no taxes, and no national debt. — There was no air pollution.

Today there is so much water pollution that soon ‘walking on water’ won’t be a challenge. But that’s a different subject.

When the Colonists came to this country, — you could trust your national leaders, — and women did most of the work. -

Our government sold us a bill

of goods saying they could

improve a system like this!

But America Does Love Us Lawyers But I still thank the good Lord for the way America is today. America loves lawyers. We have 10 times the lawyers in America as anywhere else in the world.

There are so many of us, and the profession does nothing but grow and grow. My law registration number in Colorado when I started was 2,826. Today, reports say there are over 20,000 practicing attorneys in the state.

Today there are so many law school graduates that a large percentage of them can’t even find jobs. A lot of them spend their days standing in employment lines — if they’re not working at McDonalds or Taco Bell or Home Depot.

(I know a lawyer working at Home Depot. He can’t find work. I guess that I was fortunate being able to sing and play the guitar into law practice).

I’m glad I’m not looking for work today.

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Humor in the Law

There is really a lot of humor in the law, but you have to search it out. It’s not always something that sticks out like a sore thumb.

It was about 1990 when I began researching humor in the law. I was confronted by a rather humorous law librarian. She said, “Humor and the law, huh? There is an interesting paradox! It’s a contradiction in terms!”

Then she referred me to two sections in their library: (1) hypothetical inconsistencies, and (2) legal curiosities.

From these titles, I knew that I was in deep water. I knew I was in trouble.

Another librarian said, “Sir, the law is no laughing matter.”

But just as I discovered God doesn’t visit cemeteries (forgive me, I meant seminaries), I was now learning that law libraries weren’t places to find humor about our justice system, judges and the law. -

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Laws Can Be Funny

There are really a lot of very funny laws if you take time to research them.

In Kentucky there is a law that reads:

“No female shall appear in a bathing suit

in public within this state unless she is

escorted by at least two officers,

or unless she is armed with a club.”

Wouldn’t you like to know more about what it was that prompted this law?

+

I also found an amendment to this law that was even more humorous than the law itself:

“The provisions of this statute shall not apply

to females weighing less than 90 pounds,

nor exceeding 200 pounds,

nor shall it apply to animals.”

Wouldn’t you love to talk to the people who drafted this law, to see what was in their minds at the time?

+

And if you’re in Florida, there is a law still on the books requiring a bather to not be totally naked while taking a bath.

-

This reminds me of my dad, Tom. He looked a lot like singer Willie Nelson. He even sometimes wore his hair in a pony-tail in the back and he was very often mistaken for Willie.

He thought this was funny

and made the most of it.

Before he died he was having trouble with his memory. He said he got in the shower one day and forgot which pocket he put the soap in.

+

-

In Minnesota, a housewife could get into big trouble for hanging men’s and women’s underwear on the same clothesline at the same time.

I used to live in Minnesota when I was a little kid. We lived in Hibbing, Minnesota, just a few houses down from singer and songwriter Bob Dylan (which wasn’t his name at the time). I don’t remember, but mom said we played together at about 5 years old.

-

But I do remember

seeing clothes hanging

on the clothesline.

I can’t say it was a very

pretty sight.

In California, you are not allowed to go to sleep in an outhouse.

How in God’s big world could anyone fall asleep in an outhouse?

+

-

In West Virginia, there is an old law that says a woman cannot awaken her husband if he is sleeping, — except in the case of an emergency, — even if he is snoring and keeping her awake.

-In Alabama, if you wear a mustache. . . there is a law that says you can’t wear it to church — if it makes people laugh.

+

-

In Indiana, a mustache is totally illegal on anyone ‘who habitually kisses human beings.’

But the law didn’t define the word ‘habitually,’ so there is some latitude there.

+

-

There are laws in some states that say a dog cannot come within 50 feet of a fire hydrant.

I wonder if they put signs on the fire hydrants so that dogs can read them.

+

-

In New Jersey there is a rather awkward law that reads,

“No dog shall be in public

without its master on a leash.”

Who wears the leash? Perhaps those who drafted this law were Amish. They are the folks who say things like,

“Throw the cow over the fence some hay.”

Dentists in Rhode Island used to have a law that said if they pulled the wrong tooth in a patient’s mouth, then they must have a corresponding tooth in their head pulled by the village blacksmith.

+

+

And in Oregon, you’ll be happy to know you are relieved from serving on a jury if you are dead.

+

-

In Michigan, it’s against the law, punishable by fine, if you spit upwind.

That’s rather graphic, wouldn’t you agree? -

In a small town in Nebraska, sneezing in public is prohibited.

Plus if you’re a barber, it’s unlawful to eat onions during working hours.

+

I recall the story of the man who went to his doctor and said, “I don’t brush my teeth, I eat garlic and onions, and I don’t have bad breath. Why not?”

The doctor told him he needed an operation

— on his nose.

+

-

If you enjoy kissing and you live in a certain city in Maryland, there is a law that says no kiss can last longer than 3 seconds.

+

In Riverside, California there was a law saying both parties must stop and wipe their lips with rosewater before they kiss.

From a legal perspective, I would imagine that this applied to both the ‘kissor’ and the ‘kissee,’ as we would say in law.

+

-

In Texas there used to be a law that women could not wear their jeans too tight or they would be breaking the law…

—not to mention the seams out of their jeans.

+

There is also a law that you can’t step on someone else’s toes, unless you can prove it was ‘an unavoid-able accident.’ I don’t think the girl in this picture is having an unavoidable accident, do you?

Here’s another

alternative:

I think there should be a law in business saying you can’t step on other

people in your frantic

climb to the top to

make the most money

possible.

Our Laws are Drafted by Lawyers In beginning law school a speech by the dean said:

“You are about to embark on a course of study that will try your very souls. Some of you will make it, and some will crack. In fact, look at the person on your right and on your left. . . two of you will not be here at graduation time.

“If you are here and if you do make it, you will go on to draft our laws.

“If you crack and don’t make it you become lawyers.”

In the open courtroom one day, after a trial, a judge made a thought-provoking statement. He said to both parties:

“If I have made either of you

happy today,

I haven’t done my job.”

Another judge made a very interesting statement. In speaking to one of the parties, with whom the judge was irritated because the man was whining and obnoxious. The judge very sternly said:

“Sir, the law is not necessarily fair.

The law is simply the law.”

I asked if I could quote him, but he said he’d hold me in contempt of court if I did.--

There was a guy in a

divorce trial who said

that all he got awarded

was the stuff that fell off

his ex-wife’s truck as she

pulled away.

One of the parties in the courtroom one day stood up and said, “Your honor, I demand justice!”

The judge replied, “Sit down and shut up. Have you forgotten where you are?”

I’ve discovered that going to court is a little bit like playing Russian Roulette.

But in Russian Roulette you can only get shot by one bullet. In the courtroom you can get riddled if you are not careful enough.

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Lawyers Are All About Transferring Blame In court, lawyers must often be very inventive, to find ways from keeping their client from being convicted of a crime.

We often try to do this by trying to transfer the blame to someone else.

A lawyer was defending his client against drunken driving citation and he put a farmer on the witness stand and was examining him. His questioning went this way:

“So you are the one who planted the corn — that was used by the distillery — and sold to the brewery —

that made the liquor —

that was sold to the bar —

that served my client —

that caused him to have an accident while driving home drunk.”

This is not logic, but it is a good example of legal reasoning.

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Expectancy Can Be a Killer Some people seem to think that lawyers are like miracle workers. We can’t pull rabbits out of the hat all the time.

If you get drunk, get in your car,

and try to run someone down,

don’t expect your lawyer to get you off

with an overtime parking fine.

In the law, false expectancy can really be a killer. I’ve won cases that I knew I should have lost, and I’ve lost cases I thought I had won.

Life doesn’t just always make sense. As I said, it’s a little bit like playing Russian Roulette.

It’s like the lady who wrote

the Kayro Corn Syrup

Company.

She said, “Gentlemen, I’ve

taken three bottles of your

corn syrup, and my corns

are still just as bad as ever.”

Again, expecting your lawyer to be a miracle worker is a little like…

-expecting the government to reduce spending.

-expecting the Mafia to fight crime.

-expecting the fox to guard the hen-house.

-expecting our elected officials to be trustworthy, and to be servants of the people instead of expecting to be served.

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Charlie Jarvis is a Dentist-Humorist Who dealt with False-Expectancy Charlie Jarvis is a dentist-turned-humorist, and he was great.

He says that he had some problems with expectancy in dental practice. He tells the story of a patient who came in and said he wanted the yellow stain to be taken off his teeth.

Charlie said, “Good grief, man, you have been smoking for 25 years. I can’t get the yellow off those teeth.”

The man said, “Dr. Jarvis, you are a professional man, surely you can suggest something.”

Charlie said, “I guess we could pull them all.”

The man was outraged, and jumped up out of his chair: “Pull them? Are you crazy? I expect some professional advice better than that.”

Charlie thought and finally said,

“How about wearing a brown tie?”

There are some things that you just can’t do anything about — but yet some people expect you to do something if you’re a professional person.

Talking about expectancy, there was an elderly lady who called the fire department. She said a man was trying to break into her apartment.

The fireman told her she needed the police, not the fire department. But she kept insisting she wanted the fire department.

The man asked why she needed the fire department. She said, “It is because I’m on the second floor, and he needs a ladder.”

Expectancy can be a crusher. You must know where folks are coming from. People don’t know the process of education we go through to become attorneys. And some people criticize how we’re educated.

Comedian Al Capp made a

remark about education in

our law schools: “If they are going to consider that to be

education,

. . . then we should call

a bank robbery

‘a financial transaction’.”

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Learning Tricks from Your Lawyer And other people watch us and pick up on our legal thinking traits.

There is the story of the farmer who learned a lot from his lawyer’s way of thinking.

A stranger walked up to the front door of his farmhouse and asked how much money the farmer’s bull was worth.

Pausing to think about

the question, the farmer

finally replied,

“Well, that depends!

— Do you want to buy him?

— Are you a tax collector?

— Or did he just get run over by a truck?”

I guess he’d learned some things from his lawyer. -

Expectancy is a big killer of reality. A guy bought a copy of Earnest Hemmingway’s book:

Across the River and Into the Trees.

He shortly returned the book to the bookstore and wanted his money back.

He thought it was a book about golf. -

Another example of people thinking like lawyers is the story of the businessman who had a terminal illness and wasn’t expected to live. He wanted to see his lawyer about revising his Last Will & Testament.

He wanted to put a clause in his will to benefit his employees: all who had worked for him for 20 years would receive $50,000.

His lawyer said that was very generous, but that the man had only been in business for 10 years, and he was going to die soon.

The man said, “I know… I know… but it makes for great publicity, and enhances our corporate image.”

A Lawyer’s Job is to Give Advice

We lawyers are paid to give advice, as Abe Lincoln even said:

“A lawyer’s advice

is his stock and trade.”

You’ve just got to be a little cautious how much of it you take to heart. Sometimes, professional opinion and personal advice can be very different.

Make sure which you’re getting, and if you can, test it out to see if it’s sound or not. Some lawyers just like to blow hot air. You must decide if the advice is good or not.

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A doctor gives his lawyer credit for some very good advice.

The doctor said he was always being plagued by people at social events to give them professional advice about something they were experiencing. He said it irritated him and he asked what he could do about it.

The lawyer thought and then said, “Well, tell them to take off all their clothes and let you examine them.”

The doctor said it worked great and folks stopped asking him questions.

Another doctor learned about marketing from his lawyer.

The lawyer told him that

if he made his patients

wait in the waiting room

longer, they would get

even sicker due to being

exposed to other

patients who were even

more sick.

The doctor reported that this worked great when he increased the waiting time from 30 to 45 minutes. His billings increased about 30%.

Lawyers are often asked for advice about money matters. I’ve always wondered why someone would drive to a lawyer’s

office in a Mercedes, to

get money advice . . .

from someone who

drives to work in a

Toyota.

But I guess that’s not my concern, is it?

I was in a lawyer’s office once and he had a book on the shelf titled:

The Short History

of Money

-

It was 100 pages all blank.

-

And money is important. It does at least four things: (1) it provides security,

(2) it pays the bills,

(3) it buys toys, leisure and fun, (4) it helps bridge the generation gap. II understand #4 more than you may think. My daughter Lisa found a wedding property she wanted. I mentioned it earlier: Evergreen Red Barn. She was very coy the way she worded it, but the gist of it was, “Folks, how about an early inheritance?”

Of course we bought it and have loved it. We call ourselves ‘the slave labor’ because we let them have all the proceeds. We just work for them for free. Like I said, it bridges ‘the generation gap.’

The Generation Gap

Speaking of the generation gap, this little boy asked his dad (who was an important judge) how he could get $20 to buy something he wanted.

To get rid of him, his dad told him to write God and ask him for it.

The boy did write God, telling him why he needed $20, and mailed the letter, just addressing it to ‘God.’

The post office didn’t know what to do with it so they sent it to the President in Washington D.C.

He didn’t know what to do with it, but didn’t want the boy to think God forgot him, so he sent him back $10, hoping the reduction in funds would teach the boy money management.

He probably added it to the national debt.

When the boy got the money he went into his dad complaining that God had sent the money back through the government, but they had kept half of it.

He was really storming and let his dad know he was none too happy about it.

Personal Opinion vs. Professional Advice I mentioned this in passing a little earlier.

Sometimes we lawyers have a choice to make in giving people advice. When clients ask me questions, I’ll sometimes reply by asking:

“Do you want my personal opinion,

or my professional advice?”

They are not always one and the same, especially in our day and age, with laws changing very often, and with politicians passing any laws that come out of their heads… or maybe out of their butts. -

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The Ten Commandments of the Law Let me share the 10 commandments for lawyers. By the way, don’t tell any lawyer I shared these with you or they might get mad.

I said earlier that s Supreme Court Justice recently remarked that we now have over 10 MILLION LAWS in America to enforce the 10 COMMANDMENTS.

This is why we lawyers sometimes get confused, wouldn’t you imagine? And it’s also why we have developed the 10 commandments of lawyers, which I will now share with you.

Commandment #1

Every sentence of 100 words should have at least one comma. Note: this will also give English teachers a thrill because I understand they don’t get many thrills.

Commandment #2

Every group of 50 words should have at least one loophole in it, and for every loophole you create or find, you can increase your fee at least 25%.

Commandment #3

If you can’t convince the opposition, confuse them, and if you have no basis for an argument, browbeat and abuse the other party.

Commandment #4

Question everything, deny nothing, talk by the hour, and be utterly obnoxious — and vague as possible. Remember: you are not in the law for popularity, but for money.

Commandment #5

Always be sincere, whether you mean it or not, and if you aren’t sincere at least pretend like you are.

Commandment #6

Never assume anything at all, unless it’s a mortgage.

Remember that castles in the air are the only pieces

of real estate a person can own without the

intervention of lawyers.

This is because there are no title deeds to them.

Neurotics, build them,

psychotics live in them,

and psychologists collect the rent.

Isn’t this the way things seem to go in our society, and it’s not just limited to lawyers.

Commandment #7

The more two lawyers disagree, the more chance there is that one of them may be right. The law consists of contention, strife, disagreement and conflicts. It’s what keeps the legal boat floating.

Commandment #8

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

But then neither is a written contract, as I said earlier. For most practical purposes, so what difference does it make?

Cherish those file cabinets full of worthless pieces of paper most people call ’contracts,’ and collect all of them you can because they will provide you with more work in the future.

Commandment #9

Never view anything as simple: make everything as complex as is possible. Given more time, and a larger fee, you can complicate anything.

And don’t worry about morals. Remember Nixon’s axiom: “If 2 wrongs don’t make a right, then try 3.”

Nixon is also the one who said,

“If the President does it,

this means it is not illegal.”

Right! And the moon is made out of green cheese!

Commandment #10

Everything is easier to get into than it is to get out of. Therefore, if your clients are in it up to their noses, tell them to keep their mouths shut. Then charge them twice as much to get out of it.

Commandment #11

If you’re guilty and wrong, don’t admit it. Remember that lawyers never, never make misteaks. (Oh… forgive me. I mean ‘mistakes’).

I just screwed up! I blew it!

That is 11 commands, not 10. O.K., I won’t charge extra for the 11th one. I told you we lawyers aren’t good at math.

These 10 commandments help lawyers

to keep from living in total chaos.

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Lawyers Often Create the Chaos Speaking of chaos, I like this story.

A prostitute, a doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were talking one day, and they were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The prostitute said, “Come on, it’s just a given — we know that prostitution is the oldest profession. It’s not open for debate.”

However, the doctor said, “That’s not necessarily true. Early in the book of Genesis it says that God made woman by taking a rib from the side of man. That is a surgical technique, and so I feel medicine is the oldest profession in the world.”

But the engineer replied, “Yes but earlier in Genesis it says that God created the heavens and the earth out of chaos. This is an engineering feat, and thus engineering is the oldest profession in the world.”

The lawyer said,

“Who do you think

created the chaos?”

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Introducing New Laws

Speaking of laws again, in ancient times laws used to be introduced in a very simple way: the person would stand on a platform with a rope around their neck as they proposed it.

If people liked the proposed law

they would remove the rope.

If they didn’t like the proposed law

they would remove the platform.

It sure cut down on meaningless laws

and regulations.

I think maybe they should

implement this in Congress.

What do you think?

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Speaking of Congress, one Congressman was asked why so many of them choose to spend most of their time in Washington D.C., rather than at home.

He said, “It’s because we can’t live at home under some of the laws we pass.”

Many things don’t make common sense. Someone has said, “It’s only in America that we lock up the jury at night — but allow the accused to go home free.” -

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Litigation Can Be Humorous Litigation can sometimes be humorous, unless you are the one involved in it. At least you have the choice to either laugh or cry.

For instance, have you heard about the continuous law suits over bras?

Certain private schools insist that girls wear bras, and some girls don’t like it. So every year there are lawsuits for discrimination.

Perhaps they should

insist that boys wear bras

too, so there would not

be any discrimination.

It would make about as

much sense.

Who knows, maybe

guys should start

wearing lipstick too.

Here’s a Boulder, Colorado Case I Followed A college student in Boulder, Colorado sued his parents. He sued them for what he termed,

“The Mal-Practice of Parenting.”

The court, I believe rightly, threw the case out saying that there was no such tort.

So Much Litigation Clogs Up Our Courts But litigation like this bogs down our court system. It does show the hurt some people harbor in their lives. Plus, although most courts agree there is no such tort, there are lawsuits between family members (even kids and parents) every year over money issues.

Another meaningful piece of litigation involved the parent of a child and the coach of his little league baseball team.

After the season started, the folks discovered the coach was homosexual. The parent could have taken his child off the team, but instead he sued. He sued demanding his $44 registration and uniform fee.

We live in a sue-crazy culture. We’ll go the extra mile to find some reason to sue.

Besides, the coach was just following the leading of our government. You know we have a transvestite, bi-sexual government, don’t you? Someone has said:

We used to have a tall, energetic, lanky

Uncle Sam,

but what we have today is a big, fat, lazy

Mama Washington.

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We Americans Have a Different Mindset We Americans have a different mindset from every-one else in the world. Some people say it comes from lawyers, and our litigious society. They may be right. But here’s a case in point.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American were flying over the vast Sahara Desert.

The Englishman said, “It’s a beastly, barren place.” The Frenchman agreed: “Yes, it’s the devil’s playground — a real hell hole.”

The American looked at the scene below him, but he saw it very different from the other two men. He said, “It would make one hell of a fantastic parking lot.” -

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This Bi-Sexual Case is a Favorite of Mine One of my favorite litigation stories is where a female employee’s boss was declared to be bi-sexual by the court, and this was held to be adequate to defeat her case for sexual discrimination.

She had sued him for sexually harassing her, and she lost — the court found against her. The court declared as follows:

“His insistence upon sexual favors

from plaintiff was not discrimination

because the defendant was bi-sexual.”

The court said the defendant liked both men and women. Being bi-sexual, he DID sexually harass her, but he was NOT discriminatory in his harassment.

His lawyer was brilliant. He argued:

“Yes, he did it to her — he sexually harassed her.

But you can’t say it was discrimination

because he did it to men too.”

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Judges Can Be a Totally

Different Breed of ‘Human’

It’s a popular quote: “The law and justice make strange bed-fellows.”

Law is a system of rules government develops, sometimes rather arbitrarily, to define and control human behavior.

Justice refers to a concept based on

equality, fairness and morality.

The two are very different in principle.

This particularly applies to this

last case I mentioned, don’t you think?

Some judges can be strange,

especially when they

act like God

in their courtroom.

A psychologist died and went to heaven. He was greeted at the big gates by Saint Peter who said, “Boy are we glad to see you! Come quick! God has an ego problem!”

The psychologist took a couple steps backwards and said, “You’ve got to be kidding. How can God have an ego problem?”

Peter said, “He’s behaving like a federal appellate court judge!”

If you are religious,

please note:

the pun is on judges,

not on God.

Some judges do have a sense of humor. This judge fined a man for speeding. After imposing the fine the judge said, “When you pay, be sure to keep your receipt.”

The man asked why this was important. The judge said, “It’s because you already have one speeding ticket, and this one makes two. If you get one more you get a bicycle.”

And some judges preach to people a little too. . . although it usually falls on deaf ears, and doesn’t do a whole lot of good.

One day a judge was saying to a defendant:

“It’s alcohol, and the evils of alcohol

alone, that is responsible for your

deplorable condition.”

The sermon went right over the man’s head. He said:

“Well, thank you, your honor.

Everyone has always told me it is all my fault.”

The most interesting comment a judge ever made to me was,

“Himes, you’re too moral and ethical

to be a lawyer.”

I have pondered that comment for years.

Laws and rules are imposed by a government

that requires people abide by them.

Morals refer to the ethics of conduct a person

chooses to live and be governed by.

They are two very opposite realities.

Law is imposed and dictated.

Morals are chosen and adopted.

Speaking of morality, a lawyer was talking to his associate and said,

“As soon as I found out the deal was illegal

and crooked, I got out of it.”

Without looking up from what he was doing, his associate asked,

“Oh? How much?”

Lawyers aren’t saints, but all of us aren’t crooks either. The infamous Clarence Darrow, a renown lawyer of national fame, returned home after many years.

He met a doctor that he’d gone to

Clarence Darrow school with, and the doctor said,

“Darrow if you’d listened to me, you too would now be a doctor.”

Clarence said, “Oh, and what may I ask is wrong with being a lawyer?”

The doctor replied, “Well, I don’t say all lawyers are crooks, but let’s face facts: even you must admit that your profession doesn’t make angels out of men.” Darrow chuckled and said:

“No, you’re right. You doctors definitely

have the better of us there.”

The theology may be questionable, but the point is well taken.

There was a case where a judge was sentencing a man for car theft. He imposed a 25 year sentence. The man cried out: “But your honor, I’m already 59 years old. I’ll never live long enough to complete the sentence.”

The judge said, “Well sir, you just do the very best you possibly can.

“I can’t stop car thefts in

this county, but there is one

thing I can do:

“The next time there is a

car theft, the people will

have the peace of mind

knowing you didn’t do it.”

A client of mine was being sentenced for drunken driving. The judge said, “Wow! You’ve appeared before me several times the past 10 years. What’s wrong?”

My client said, “Judge, can I help it if you can’t get promoted?”

When I went to visit him in jail, I asked him why in the world he’d said that.

I love the scene in the movie

Back to the Future, Part 3.

It shows the lead characters in

a scene in the future where a

major trial in the courts had

only taken a couple of days.

Marty was amazed and asked

his friend, the old professor-

inventor, how this could be.

The old inventor said:

“Things run a lot better now

since they abolished all the lawyers.”

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My Closing Argument

Let me just finish this up by telling you the difference between two very important things: (1) education and (2) experience.

Education is what you get when you read a contract.

Experience is what you get when you don’t read it.

I’ll close paraphrasing the words of Mark Russell, the Washington D.C. humorist I mentioned earlier (I love his writings on lawyers!)

“America without lawyers would be

like Rome without priests.

Take the lawyers out of America and the entire

country would become like a silent movie set.”

The defense rests its case!

Roger Himes, J.D., Lawyer

Here’s Where to Find Roger

http://www.GospelPowerOfGod.com (primary website)

Medium.com/@RogerHimesEsq (articles: 3 to 7 minute read)

http://www.Twitter.com/TheGospelCoach (short postings)

http://www.YouTube.com/RogerHimesTheCoach (videos)

https://www.pinterest.com/business/hub/ (Gospel Life Coach)

Personally Speaking . . .

(This is the autobiography I mentioned earlier)

For 25 years I was what John Grisham might call ‘a street lawyer.’ When I began law practice, the law was still relatively easy (this lasted until sometime around 1986, when everything became complicated beyond imagination).

I built my law practice in a unique way: singing in nightclubs at night (and passing out business cards at the breaks).

Let me as you: what better place to meet people who need an attorney?

The Denver Post and Rocky Mountain News

thought a lawyer performing in bars

nightclubs was newsworthy I guess.

They did articles about me:

“The Singing Attorney,” and “The Court Jester.”

These were positive, human interest articles

giving me fantastic free publicity. It was great!

They also said I had "a Glenn Yarbrough sound,

and a John Denver delivery."

I took this as a huge compliment!

Here's John Denver's Rocky Mountain High:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOB4VdlkzO4

And here's Glenn Yarbrough's song, Baby the Rain

Must Fall: https://tinyurl.com/yy6lmxf3

And here is my song, THE SINGER, in tribute to

John Denver: https://youtu.be/WJf09nv1x1c

(note: the ‘John Denver Legacy’ site

mentioned no longer exists)

I often sang downtown, close to the courthouse. A lot of my audience consisted of other lawyers and

judges, as well as FBI agents and other federal employees.

I also had both the staffs of the Denver, Colorado

District Attorney’s office and the Public Defender’s Office show up to listen to me play guitar and sing.

They offered me jobs, as did a couple of law firms. I didn’t take them, mostly because they wanted to pay low wages and work me 60 hours a week. I just went into the solo practice of law.

I knew I could do better on my own… and I did.

Also, I also performed with John Denver in his ‘B.C.’ days (before he was a celebrity). This was at a time when I was in college in Texas.

John was an amazing guy. He became a model for me my entire life. He was always so upbeat, and positive and responsive and approachable.

He made everyone he met feel like they were the most important person in the world to him.

The first time I met him he made me feel like he had waiting for weeks -- just to meet me.

I discovered John was a hugger, and I know he would have hugged me if we hadn’t been two guys standing in the middle of a nightclub: The Jester in Houston.

I copied John’s style and music.

That’s why I say he was a model for me. Like most other singers of the time I sang negative, protest, war songs, and songs about death, mine disasters, and the like.

John was like a breath of fresh air.

He sang about mountains, animals,

rivers, oceans, prairies, people, -- and about love. I watched the audience warm to him, and realized I wanted to do what he did. Thus, the newspapers called me a singer with “a John Denver delivery.”

The Salvage Company

I also sang with a duo:

The Salvage Company. I was

in law, and Roy was in real

Estate but we still performed

twice on Sundays and also at

least one night a week.

I Then Made a Total Change In 1999, after getting burned out in law and taking a very early retirement, I became a western U.S. coach tour guide for a tour company named Globus.

I did this 8 summers. My territory was South

Dakota to California

and Montana to

Arizona. My driver and

I took 40-50 happy

people on trips that

lasted between 8 and 14 days.

We showed them all the ‘God made’ and ‘man made’ wonders the west had. Several people said they had never seen things the way I often described.

Today I have a few sites on the internet as “The Gospel Coach,” and my family owns and operates a wedding business in Colorado, just a short drive west of Denver in the Rocky Mountains:

EvergreenRedBarn.com

I write on spiritual, gospel things or on business and motivation.

But I have one family fiction book:

The Singer.

It is FREE until it is on Amazon

late in the spring of 2021.

I just ask for reviews to be sent to:

RogerHimesEsq@gmail.com

It’s a very unique book in one way: I include a 12-song music soundtrack that follows the story-line of the book. I composed and sing the songs (although in the story they are all sung by the lead character, Scott Bailey, who is ‘The Singer’).

The folk group, Peter Paul and Mary, wrote a song that prompted me to do this. It includes these lines that I also shared earlier:

“Music speaks louder than words.

It’s the only thing the whole world listens to.

When you sing, people understand.”

Here’s the free link to the flip-page internet book:

THE SINGER: Come Walk By Me Softly

NOTE: It will be inactive once I put it on Amazon.

Table of Contents

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